Wednesday, January 2, 2019

2018 - IN REVIEW: TOP TEN WORST FILMS

Let's make this clear, writing a "Top Ten" list for the worst films you have seen in a year is never fun and as such you find little inspiration while writing about them.  Because of this my reasons for disliking a film are probably not very deep, but here you have my 


TOP TEN WORST FILMS OF 2018


10. HOW TO TALK TO GIRLS AT PARTIES

Sometimes a movie comes along and despite it being filled with amazing talent, both in front and behind the camera, the thing just does not work for whatever reason. This film is a perfect example of this. It is littered with talent throughout and yet, I thought the whole thing was ridiculous and even at times a little embarrassing. The imdb describes the plot as this: “An alien touring the galaxy breaks away from her group and meets two young inhabitants of the most dangerous place in the universe: the London suburb of Croydon.” With the combined acting talents of Elle Fanning, Nicole Kidman and Ruth Wilson being directed by John Cameron Mitchell (who also co-scripted) based on a story by Neil Gaiman, it went into this expecting a quirky or odd film, but I was not expecting something so trivial and essentially pointless as this. The quirks were overdone and the film had no emotional core to invest in. This was a massive chore to sit through, but I will give props to Nicole Kidman who is the best thing in the film, but also totally wasted.


9. MOM AND DAD

Initially, I had high hopes for this film. The plot, where a brother and sister must fight for their lives against their parents who have been turned into vicious killers intent on killing their spawn, sounded both fun and insane. It seemed perfect for a black comedy, and with reports that Nicolas Cage had unleashed his wild side for the film, I was pumped and ready for it.............ultimately to be majorly disappointed. Unfortunately, I found the whole thing totally one-note, and as such, despite the insanity unfolding onscreen, the film really dragged and was boring. Also when it came to the acting, Selma Blair handled the madness with more aplomb than Cage, who severely overacted in his role. While this is not a film that needs a huge amount of subtlety, I still think Cage went way too overboard here. (In fact, stay tuned for my Top 20 list for another Cage film where he also goes to the wild side, but gets it right and in a manner that is full of gravitas, instead of empty gestures, like here). I have to say that the trailer for the film is quite good, but the end result does not live up to it. And where the hell is the end to the film??


8. THE MEG

The next two films on this list are both larger budget Hollywood films that have no heart at all to them. It baffles me that so much money was spent on a film like this (the reported budget was $130 million) and to end up with what we have got here. This is such a dull, lifeless affair and does almost the impossible by making a giant, killer shark film “boring”. Since the film has come out, it has been reported that the end result was much different from the film the actors had signed into, with “The Meg” originally meant to be much more serious and bloody. The star of the film, Jason Statham, himself stated this and seemed disappointed with the film as it is today. If it wasn't for the charisma of that man, this film would have nothing going for it. It just seems like a giant waste of money and a total missed opportunity. The best example of this is when the giant shark is swimming underneath the ocean full of swimmers, and barely causes any damage, let alone any blood loss. The CGI in this film is pathetic, the dialogue is laughable, and the film just goes on forever. It is so boring, and I hated almost every minute of it.


7. THE NUN

I feel very similar to “The Nun” as I do about “The Meg”. It seemed like total lazy filmmaking, put together by a bunch of corporate arseholes in a boardroom, whose only intention was to remove the audience's money from their wallets into their own. “The Nun” is part of “The Conjuring” universe of horror films which has seen its share of both good and bad films. The good are the two “Conjuring” films directed by James Wan, as well as the “Annabelle” sequel. The bad was the original “Annabelle” film and the woeful, was this very poor impression of a horror film. The whole thing had no atmosphere, no suspense, it was poorly written and the actors looked bored. The majority of the scares were jump scares that were not earned, and the story was ridiculous, especially the minor side story that connects it to “The Conjuring 2”. Speaking of that film, the best and scariest scene from that film actually involved the nun character from this film, but sadly she is not given a scene close to that to show off her chills here. I do like the poster (above) for the film though.


6. A WRINKLE IN TIME

Originally I had no intentions of seeing this film, but sometimes being a parent of young girls means that you end up seeing films that you normally wouldn't. This was a family affair where we all sat down to watch this together, and then I was flabbergasted at just how bad it was. Nothing worked in this film at all. It was so poorly conceived and especially cast with good actors, like Reese Witherspoon, giving absolutely shocking performances. Before we watched this, I had read some particularly scathing reviews for “A Wrinkle In Time” but I still wasn't prepared for just how poor this film was going to be. I guess it was going for a “Wizard of Oz” kind of feel to it, but it had none of that film's charm at all. The special effects were anything but, and what was up with Oprah Winfrey in this. Thankfully, I have purged most of this nightmare from my mind, but I have to mention that even amongst all of this garbage, the performance of Storm Reid, who plays the lead Meg, shines brightly and it is thanks to her that this film isn't much lower down 
on this list.


5. SLICE

Sometimes, I do not know what is wrong with me! I am not a fan of horror/comedies (generally) and when a film is described on imdb like this: “ When a pizza delivery driver is murdered on the job, the city searches for someone to blame: ghosts? drug dealers? a disgraced werewolf?”, well isn't that a sign to stay clear from this movie? You would think so. Also when a film has been shot and finished and sat on the shelf for two years before someone releases it, well isn't that another sign? Yep! So why the hell did I end up watching this garbage? Maybe I was hoping that the film would be as silly and fun as “Wolfcop” which it kind of resembles in its tone, but no that wasn't the reason. The only reason I watched “Slice” was because A24 were distributing the film and since they have such great taste in films (usually), I thought that there had to be something going for “Slice” for these guys to pick it up and release it. Turns out I was wrong, and A24 (the distributor for such great films like “The Killing of a Sacred Deer”, “Lady Bird”, “Hereditary”, “It Comes At Night”, “First Reformed”, “A Ghost Story”, and “Good Time” to name but a few) can make a mistake and release a dud from time to time too (however, they also released “How to Talk to Girls at Parties” in 2018). “Slice” reeks of amateur hour theatrics and is never funny. Avoid.


4. BOARDING SCHOOL

I barely remember this film at all, except that I hated it. From memory it is about a group of troubled kids who get sent to a boarding school (never to return) once their parents have had enough of them. The kids then start dying and it is a mystery as to who did it, and that the school is not what it initially seems, and that the main male character starts dressing up in his old grandmother's clothes and he turns out to be really evil. Or something like that. My problem with the film was that A never led to B. Things that happened or why they happened never made any sense in the context of the story. Things weren't properly explained, and not in a mysterious way, more in a bad storytelling way. Because I couldn't make heads or tails out of it, I lost interest in the film very quickly and have forgotten it just as quick. The other thing I remember was how angry I was that I wasted my time watching it. Sorry, I cannot talk about why I disliked this film more.


3. THE PREDATOR

I have loved all of director Shane Black's previous films (including “Iron Man 3”), and think both “Kiss Kiss, Bang Bang” and “The Nice Guys” are minor classics, so what the hell went wrong with “The Predator”. This starts bad, and never gets any better. It is very poorly acted, but surprisingly, the script (Black's strongest ability) is deplorable with terrible one-liners and a storyline that just does not gel at all. Also for a big budget film like this, the quality of the CGI on display is mind bogglingly bad. Even though Shane Black actually acted in the original “Predator” movie, he is all wrong for this property and does not get the right handle on its tone ever. To be honest, I went into this expecting bad things (as the trailers for the film did nothing for me) but I was shocked at just how bad this film ended up being. I understand that there was a lot of studio meddling with forced re-shoots and a new ending created (how bad was the old ending, cos this one is shocking?!!!) but there is nothing to hold your hat on with this film, and say, that bit was ok. It isn't even a good bit of escapist fun. Shocking film!!!


2. PIERCING

This was the worst film that I saw at MIFF last year, and ironically, it was one of the ones I was anticipating most. The film is directed by Nicolas Pesce, who previously made the excellent black and white chiller “The Eyes of My Mother”. It was on the strength of that film, and of the casting of Mia Wasikowski in the female lead, that had me looking forward to “Piercing” so much. The fact that the film was based on a story by Ryu Murakami (the japanese writer who is credited with the story for Takashi Miike's insane “Audition”) was icing on the cake, and with the story being about a stressed father who goes to a hotel with the intent to murder a prostitute, only to have the tables turned on him by that woman, I thought the film could only be an amazing and crazy success. I absolutely hated every second of it! I hated the look of the film, as it all looked so cheap. I hated the use of certain pieces of music from much better films, and surprisingly I thought the performances were terrible, including Wasikowski who is usually great. The only thing I will give Pesce credit for was that you could feel Murakami's footprints in the story but trust me, “Piercing” is no “Audition”! Whilst my opinion of the film seemed to be the consensus after my screening, the fact that I have heard a few positive things about this film after the fact, strangely makes me want to check it out again to see if I was wrong about it or that there was something I missed. However the fact that I hated this film so strongly makes that seem doubtful. While I was initially excited by Nicolas Pesce's hiring as the director for the new “Grudge” re-boot, after the disaster of “Piercing”, I'm sad to say that I now worry about that film too.


1. VICTOR CROWLEY

While initially advertised as an anniversary screening of the original “Hatchet”, director Adam Green set the internet on fire when it was revealed that he had secretly shot a forth instalment of the saga and that it was this film screening on that night and not “Hatchet” itself. Word is that the audience went crazy for the new film, exclaiming it to be the next big horror thing and just as good as the original film in this slasher series. If you were a fan of the series, do not stress, you will love this new film. The thing is I am not a huge fan of the “Hatchet” series, and in fact have big issues with it. The first film was a good, not great, slasher throw back with a good villain and some nice practical gore. The second film, however, is a travesty. It was cheaply done and lacked any atmosphere, and shockingly wasted the usually great Danielle Harris. The third film, which Green did not direct, is actually my favourite of the series and while I liked the film, I wasn't clamouring for a new “Hatchet” film any time soon. But because I am me, I did end up getting caught up in all the hoopla of the fourth film, which was titled “Victor Crowley”, when it was announced it had been secretly shot. Well, those initial reviews from that surprise screening turned out to be not very reliable at all because “Victor Crowley” is easily the worst film in the series which is saying something considering how bad “Hatchet II” is. It looks as if it has been made for $1 (the crashed plane set looks like its made of cardboard), the storyline is garbage, and the cornerstone of the franchise, its inventive, practical kills are a total let down. The fact that all of the characters are unlikeable makes this film a total chore to sit through, which felt like forever even though it is only just over 80 minutes long. So the dubious honour of being the worst film I sat through in 2018 goes to Adam Green's “Victor Crowley”, and while I wish I could say it was a hard choice, that would be a lie.

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