Let's
make this clear, writing a "Top Ten" list for the worst films you have
seen in a year is never fun and as such you find little inspiration
while writing about them. Because of this my reasons for disliking a
film are probably not very deep, but here you have my
TOP TEN
WORST FILMS OF 2018
10.
HOW TO TALK TO GIRLS AT PARTIES
Sometimes
a movie comes along and despite it being filled with amazing talent,
both in front and behind the camera, the thing just does not work for
whatever reason. This film is a perfect example of this. It is
littered with talent throughout and yet, I thought the whole thing
was ridiculous and even at times a little embarrassing. The imdb
describes the plot as this: “An
alien touring the galaxy breaks away from her group and meets two
young inhabitants of the most dangerous place in the universe: the
London suburb of Croydon.” With
the combined acting talents of Elle Fanning, Nicole Kidman and Ruth
Wilson being directed by John Cameron Mitchell (who also co-scripted)
based on a story by Neil Gaiman, it went into this expecting a quirky
or odd film, but I was not expecting something so trivial and
essentially pointless as this. The quirks were overdone and the film
had no emotional core to invest in. This was a massive chore to sit
through, but I will give props to Nicole Kidman who is the best thing
in the film, but also totally wasted.
9.
MOM AND DAD
Initially,
I had high hopes for this film. The plot, where a brother and sister
must fight for their lives against their parents who have been turned
into vicious killers intent on killing their spawn, sounded both fun
and insane. It seemed perfect for a black comedy, and with reports
that Nicolas Cage had unleashed his wild side for the film, I was
pumped and ready for it.............ultimately to be majorly
disappointed. Unfortunately, I found the whole thing totally
one-note, and as such, despite the insanity unfolding onscreen, the
film really dragged and was boring. Also when it came to the acting,
Selma Blair handled the madness with more aplomb than Cage, who
severely overacted in his role. While this is not a film that needs
a huge amount of subtlety, I still think Cage went way too overboard
here. (In fact, stay tuned for my Top 20 list for another Cage film
where he also goes to the wild side, but gets it right and in a
manner that is full of gravitas, instead of empty gestures, like
here). I have to say that the trailer for the film is quite good,
but the end result does not live up to it. And where the hell is the
end to the film??
8.
THE MEG
The
next two films on this list are both larger budget Hollywood films
that have no heart at all to them. It baffles me that so much money
was spent on a film like this (the reported budget was $130 million)
and to end up with what we have got here. This is such a dull,
lifeless affair and does almost the impossible by making a giant,
killer shark film “boring”. Since the film has come out, it has
been reported that the end result was much different from the film
the actors had signed into, with “The Meg” originally meant to be
much more serious and bloody. The star of the film, Jason Statham,
himself stated this and seemed disappointed with the film as it is
today. If it wasn't for the charisma of that man, this film would
have nothing going for it. It just seems like a giant waste of money
and a total missed opportunity. The best example of this is when the
giant shark is swimming underneath the ocean full of swimmers, and
barely causes any damage, let alone any blood loss. The CGI in this
film is pathetic, the dialogue is laughable, and the film just goes
on forever. It is so boring, and I hated almost every minute of it.
7.
THE NUN
I
feel very similar to “The Nun” as I do about “The Meg”. It
seemed like total lazy filmmaking, put together by a bunch of
corporate arseholes in a boardroom, whose only intention was to
remove the audience's money from their wallets into their own. “The
Nun” is part of “The Conjuring” universe of horror films which
has seen its share of both good and bad films. The good are the two
“Conjuring” films directed by James Wan, as well as the
“Annabelle” sequel. The bad was the original “Annabelle”
film and the woeful, was this very poor impression of a horror film.
The whole thing had no atmosphere, no suspense, it was poorly written
and the actors looked bored. The majority of the scares were jump
scares that were not earned, and the story was ridiculous, especially
the minor side story that connects it to “The Conjuring 2”.
Speaking of that film, the best and scariest scene from that film
actually involved the nun character from this film, but sadly she is
not given a scene close to that to show off her chills here. I do
like the poster (above) for the film though.
6.
A WRINKLE IN TIME
Originally
I had no intentions of seeing this film, but sometimes being a parent
of young girls means that you end up seeing films that you normally
wouldn't. This was a family affair where we all sat down to watch
this together, and then I was flabbergasted at just how bad it was.
Nothing worked in this film at all. It was so poorly conceived and
especially cast with good actors, like Reese Witherspoon, giving
absolutely shocking performances. Before we watched this, I had read
some particularly scathing reviews for “A Wrinkle In Time” but I
still wasn't prepared for just how poor this film was going to be. I
guess it was going for a “Wizard of Oz” kind of feel to it, but
it had none of that film's charm at all. The special effects were
anything but, and what was up with Oprah Winfrey in this.
Thankfully, I have purged most of this nightmare from my mind, but I
have to mention that even amongst all of this garbage, the
performance of Storm Reid, who plays the lead Meg, shines brightly
and it is thanks to her that this film isn't much lower down
on this
list.
5.
SLICE
Sometimes,
I do not know what is wrong with me! I am not a fan of
horror/comedies (generally) and when a film is described on imdb like
this: “ When
a pizza delivery driver is murdered on the job, the city searches for
someone to blame: ghosts? drug dealers? a disgraced werewolf?”,
well isn't that a sign to stay clear from this movie? You would
think so. Also when a film has been shot and finished and sat on the
shelf for two years before someone releases it, well isn't that
another sign? Yep! So why the hell did I end up watching this
garbage? Maybe I was hoping that the film would be as silly and fun
as “Wolfcop” which it kind of resembles in its tone, but no that
wasn't the reason. The only reason I watched “Slice” was because
A24 were distributing the film and since they have such great taste
in films (usually), I thought that there had to be something going
for “Slice” for these guys to pick it up and release it. Turns
out I was wrong, and A24 (the distributor for such great films like
“The Killing of a Sacred Deer”, “Lady Bird”, “Hereditary”,
“It Comes At Night”, “First Reformed”, “A Ghost Story”,
and “Good Time” to name but a few) can make a mistake and release
a dud from time to time too (however, they also released “How to
Talk to Girls at Parties” in 2018). “Slice” reeks of amateur
hour theatrics and is never funny. Avoid.
4.
BOARDING SCHOOL
I
barely remember this film at all, except that I hated it. From
memory it is about a group of troubled kids who get sent to a
boarding school (never to return) once their parents have had enough
of them. The kids then start dying and it is a mystery as to who did
it, and that the school is not what it initially seems, and that the
main male character starts dressing up in his old grandmother's
clothes and he turns out to be really evil. Or something like that.
My problem with the film was that A never led to B. Things that
happened or why they happened never made any sense in the context of
the story. Things weren't properly explained, and not in a
mysterious way, more in a bad storytelling way. Because I couldn't
make heads or tails out of it, I lost interest in the film very
quickly and have forgotten it just as quick. The other thing I
remember was how angry I was that I wasted my time watching it.
Sorry, I cannot talk about why I disliked this film more.
3.
THE PREDATOR
I
have loved all of director Shane Black's previous films (including
“Iron Man 3”), and think both “Kiss Kiss, Bang Bang” and “The
Nice Guys” are minor classics, so what the hell went wrong with
“The Predator”. This starts bad, and never gets any better. It
is very poorly acted, but surprisingly, the script (Black's strongest
ability) is deplorable with terrible one-liners and a storyline that
just does not gel at all. Also for a big budget film like this, the
quality of the CGI on display is mind bogglingly bad. Even though
Shane Black actually acted in the original “Predator” movie, he
is all wrong for this property and does not get the right handle on
its tone ever. To be honest, I went into this expecting bad things
(as the trailers for the film did nothing for me) but I was shocked
at just how bad this film ended up being. I understand that there
was a lot of studio meddling with forced re-shoots and a new ending
created (how bad was the old ending, cos this one is shocking?!!!)
but there is nothing to hold your hat on with this film, and say,
that bit was ok. It isn't even a good bit of escapist fun. Shocking
film!!!
2.
PIERCING
This
was the worst film that I saw at MIFF last year, and ironically, it
was one of the ones I was anticipating most. The film is directed by
Nicolas Pesce, who previously made the excellent black and white
chiller “The Eyes of My Mother”. It was on the strength of that
film, and of the casting of Mia Wasikowski in the female lead, that
had me looking forward to “Piercing” so much. The fact that the
film was based on a story by Ryu Murakami (the japanese writer who is
credited with the story for Takashi Miike's insane “Audition”)
was icing on the cake, and with the story being about a stressed
father who goes to a hotel with the intent to murder a prostitute,
only to have the tables turned on him by that woman, I thought the
film could only be an amazing and crazy success. I absolutely hated
every second of it! I hated the look of the film, as it all looked
so cheap. I hated the use of certain pieces of music from much
better films, and surprisingly I thought the performances were
terrible, including Wasikowski who is usually great. The only thing
I will give Pesce credit for was that you could feel Murakami's
footprints in the story but trust me, “Piercing” is no
“Audition”! Whilst my opinion of the film seemed to be the
consensus after my screening, the fact that I have heard a few
positive things about this film after the fact, strangely makes me
want to check it out again to see if I was wrong about it or that
there was something I missed. However the fact that I hated this
film so strongly makes that seem doubtful. While I was initially
excited by Nicolas Pesce's hiring as the director for the new
“Grudge” re-boot, after the disaster of “Piercing”, I'm sad
to say that I now worry about that film too.
1.
VICTOR CROWLEY
While
initially advertised as an anniversary screening of the original
“Hatchet”, director Adam Green set the internet on fire when it
was revealed that he had secretly shot a forth instalment of the saga
and that it was this film screening on that night and not “Hatchet”
itself. Word is that the audience went crazy for the new film,
exclaiming it to be the next big horror thing and just as good as the
original film in this slasher series. If you were a fan of the
series, do not stress, you will love this new film. The thing is I
am not a huge fan of the “Hatchet” series, and in fact have big
issues with it. The first film was a good, not great, slasher throw
back with a good villain and some nice practical gore. The second
film, however, is a travesty. It was cheaply done and lacked any
atmosphere, and shockingly wasted the usually great Danielle Harris.
The third film, which Green did not direct, is actually my favourite
of the series and while I liked the film, I wasn't clamouring for a
new “Hatchet” film any time soon. But because I am me, I did end
up getting caught up in all the hoopla of the fourth film, which was
titled “Victor Crowley”, when it was announced it had been
secretly shot. Well, those initial reviews from that surprise
screening turned out to be not very reliable at all because “Victor
Crowley” is easily the worst film in the series which is saying
something considering how bad “Hatchet II” is. It looks as if it
has been made for $1 (the crashed plane set looks like its made of
cardboard), the storyline is garbage, and the cornerstone of the
franchise, its inventive, practical kills are a total let down. The
fact that all of the characters are unlikeable makes this film a
total chore to sit through, which felt like forever even though it is
only just over 80 minutes long. So the dubious honour of being the
worst film I sat through in 2018 goes to Adam Green's “Victor
Crowley”, and while I wish I could say it was a hard choice, that
would be a lie.
